How 2 Be: An Elitist Metalhead

Hi, I’m Sambro and today we’re going to learn how to become a ‘true’ metalhead. Follow these simple steps and you’ll be decrying ‘poser’ in all the Facebook comment sections.

5) You must let everyone know you only listen to ‘real’ metal.

Everyone must know! Start every Facebook post, tweet, conversation or discussion by letting the world know you only listen to real metal. You know just in case someone thinks you are just a regular guy who listens to heavy music. If you don’t tell them then who will? What? Do you want that random person on social media, your friends and family or that random bloke passing you on the street to think you’re a fake poser? No? Well you better tell ’em you only listen to ‘real’ metal.

4)Anything ‘core’ is fake poser shit and is not metal!

Comment on anything vaguely metalcore, deathcore or ‘insert heavy genre’core related, that metal is like an apple. Everything is good, except the core *OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*… Don’t worry it doesn’t get old at all! All these young bands that come along with their skinny jeans and short haircuts, who don’t write lyrics about fantasy lands, ancient battles or sound anything like the stuff you like must be called out. They must be labelled fake core posers and have abuse hurled at them. If you don’t do it, then how will they know you don’t consider them metal?

3)Your opinion is the only one, everyone else is wrong.

Rule number three is simple, your opinion is the right one. A band you like doesn’t get a good review, then you need to call the reviewer out as, you guessed it, a fake poser. This also applies for bands you don’t like getting good reviews. Remember you are always right and never wrong. Your opinion is the only thing that matters and everyone should gather round and listen  to what you have to say.

2)Tell the younger generation that they’re what’s wrong with metal.

So some young kids know who Bring Me the Horizon are but haven’t heard of Death? Pile on the abuse it is the only way they will learn about ‘real’ metal. Making them feel welcome and suggesting new bands for them to check out? Hell no! Tell them they’re what’s wrong with metal! Sempiternal  may be a brilliant, well written, catchy and engaging album but that doesn’t matter, remember you’re always right, so just send them that abuse!

1)Be an arsehole.

Now this comes naturally to some. Some people are born with the arsehole gene and it comes easily to them  but after following the other four steps on this list you’ll pick it up in no time. Just remember anyone who wears those skinny jeans, has a fringy haircut has no opinion, no matter how valid their point maybe. You are the ‘true’ metalhead and king of all things metal!

 

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