How 2 Be: A Beatdown Bully

Hi, I’m Sambro and today we’re going to become the pit king of a beatdown crew. Follow these simple steps and you’ll be KOing innocent bystanders at your local shows in no time.

5)Slower the breakdown, the more shit you need to lose.

If the breakdown is like a sloth who just shot up a needle full of heroin, then just go berserk! If the music isn’t progressing at less than 50bpm then it could be considered too fast and not worthy of your amazing throw down abilities. So remember slower is better, you got to be in constant Matrix style bullet time at all points of the show.

4)Act tough.

Emotions are for metalcore! Just act tough as nails. No laughing, no joking. Just 24/7 angry pouting. Nothing says tough like having ones arms crossed and frowning all the time. You’re a tough nut and the world needs to know. If anyone sees you in any other light, they will think you are soft and weak. We can’t have that now.

3)Bring a bandana.

If there is any accessory you must have, it’s a bandana. Conceal your identity like some kind of vigilante for maximum image cred from your fellow beatdown enthusiast. The bandana also helps in finishing off your tough guy visage with its correlation to rebellion, crime, thug life and all things hard.

2)Don’t just mosh… Crowd kill everyone and everything!

Push moshing? Ha,  what’s that? You must crowd kill all! Person at the side of the pit? Foot to the face! Guy singing along in the front row? Punch in the back of the head! Merch table tucked away at the back of the venue? Hunt it down and crowd kill the shit out of it! Innocent wall tightening your space for side to side moshing? Put a stool through it! Your lovely granny comes round for dinner? Beat her down at the first opportunity! Nothing says tough like hitting someone when they least expect it. Don’t worry about the back lash just say ‘it’s part of the scene, get use to it’ that should stop anybody from complaining about your lack spatial of awareness or accusations of assault.

1)Be an arsehole.

Now this comes naturally to some. Some people are born with the arsehole gene and it comes easily to them but after following the other four steps on this list you’ll pick it up in no time. Being an arsehole is key here as to perform the amount of crowd killing required to achieve your goal of becoming a beatdown bully is off the scale. Remember you are the toughest mosher around and the pit is your domain. If anyone dares challenge you or steps into the ring you have to show ’em who is boss! You are the crowd killing king!

(This is just a light hearted riff and shouldn’t be taken seriously. I am a fan of some beatdown so don’t take it personally or as an attack on your favourite genre… please don’t follow these steps otherwise you’ll become an arsehole)

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