How 2 Be: A Scene Emo

Hi, I’m Sambro and today we’ll be getting real emotional. It’s time to go scene. Following these steps will fast track you up the Myspace popularity ladder and have you RAWRing your way into your crush’s heart.

5)Crunkcore is great!

No matter how shite it may sound. No matter how many millions of people hate it, you must love it. Electro, rap, hip-hop and screamo combined into one genre? It is perfect.  The more the artist doesn’t give a fuck, the more you have to be into their music. Crunkcore makes you out to enjoy partying with songs about drinking, promiscuous sex and such without venturing to far from your emo roots. Don’t worry Black Parade is still going to be your number one song of all time, crunkcore is to fill in the gaps.

4)Black dye and colourful fringes.

Your hair must be jet black. No exceptions. If you want some colour then simple! Just put a streak of insanely bright dye through your perfectly straightened fringe. Dying your hair black brings out your dark side whilst the colour shows your individuality. You are so unique and individual that you need to follow this step as strictly as possible.

3)Tight, tight, tight.

Everything must be tight. So tight it’s as though you have brought spray on clothing. Your balls feel crushed? Live through the pain! If it ain’t clinging to every inch of skin then you aren’t going to wear it. Your ability to move isn’t important, your look is though. Oh and don’t forget to match you converse with your favourite brightly coloured t-shirt!

2)No one understands you!

Complain to your thousands of identical followers that no one understands you! Parents, teachers, friends etc. Whether your other half broke your heart, your parents don’t buy you them concert tickets or just don’t get your own way then let people know! Stomp your feet, write vague Facebook posts and make it the worst thing that has happened in the history of ever. It’s not acting like a spoiled brat because no one gets you. It is their fault. Oh apart from that one band, they get you. All their songs are tots about you.

1)Be an arsehole.

Now this comes naturally to some. Some people are born with the arsehole gene and it comes easily to others but after following the other four steps on this list you’ll pick it up in no time. To complete the scene emo transformation you must act angsty all the time.  No time for being happy and remember this isn’t a phase. This is who you are. Rule of thumb is at the age of 18 or so, you must completely move on from this phase into a top knot wearing dupstep/EDM fan.

(This is just a light hearted riff and shouldn’t be taken seriously… please don’t follow these steps otherwise you’ll become an arsehole)


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